I read a blog here that reminded me about how much fun I had when faced with similar.
It was more like my heart was ran over by a garbage truck, which then reversed and ran it over again.
I was 18 or 19. It was my first year in university. I met an asian girl from one of my classes. I don’t remember what I saw in her. We went out for a while – 4 years or so. We had our ups and downs but everything seemed like it was working out. We lived together. We took same classes. We worked together. I don’t remember spending much time apart. We celebrated “monthly anniversaries”. We had nicknames for each other (Awww, cute. I know). It was my first serious relationship and I was “all-in” there. One time, she copied homework from one of her friends and got caught, which resulted in her friend getting in trouble with professor. From friends they became enemies. Naturally, any enemy of my girlfriend is my enemy (it doesn’t matter why) so I “declared a war” on her friend and her friend’s boyfriend. It was a cold war. I never sad anything mean or done anything. I simply said whose side I am on. (I’ll get back to this)
Her best friend:
When I first met my ex, she was with her “best friend”. He (RED FLAG) was weird. We were sort of friends but never got along. When we first met, he looked me in the eyes and called me “fagot”. I felt like breaking his face, but decided not to ruin a possible relationship with my ex. I still regret that. Me and my then gf drove 10 hours to meet her parents, for whatever reason taking her best friend with us (RED FLAG).
My ex was hosting a party at her place with lots of my friends and lots of her friends. I had a flu and decided to skip that party. That’s when it happened: My friend called me from that party and told me that she is “sleeping with her best friend” and she did that during that party (RED FLAG). It was a shock for me. I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone. She told me that she made a mistake and we decided to move past that. It was my mistake to let it go.
Less than a week later, she started treating me like shit … Everything was my fault. I was supposed to do what she told me. She kept saying a lot of bad things about my friends (RED FLAGS). I didn’t do anything until she crossed the line: She said something very mean about my family. At that point I told her “We are done. Don’t look at me. Don’t speak to me. Done done”. She called me, she called my brother, my friends, and even my parents.
I was proud that I finally did what I should’ve done earlier, but after few days, reality kicked in. I was devastated. I missed school because I didn’t want to see her. Anger switched to guilt. I was replaying it all in my head trying to find what I did wrong. I considered calling her and trying to fix all of that. (I am thankful to my brother as he stopped me from doing that). I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. I was ashamed. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want to hear any more “Are you okay?” or “don’t worry, everything will be fine” from anyone, including myself. No, I was not okay. Don’t worry? Ha! Easier said than done. Most people say those things to feel better about themselves, thinking that they are helping out.
It’s a small world:
5 years later, I ran into her ex best friend and now boyfriend (or husband) at the mall. Timing was great. I was going home from work. We have a strict dress policy (plus I always dress to impress). And yeah, I did drive a brand new Mercedes C class, which was upgraded to “gangsta” level. It was a “look at me now” moment. It was a “win” yet I still felt sour. Some time after that, I found out from my co-worker, who was a good friend with my ex (it’s a small world), that my ex now has kids and they live in the industrial part of the city, in some horrible neighbourhood, equivalent of a poor trailer park. That would’ve been me if I didn’t walk away.
With time feelings faded away. It was a while. My mistake was not talking about it and keeping feelings inside. My life changed for better, much better. I was no longer chained to her, her friends, or whatever she was into. I was free to do what I was into. I started taking care of myself. I got my confidence back. It was sky high when I realized that I was over her. It took a while and it wasn’t easy. Knowing that I’ve been through that and came out alive made me feel better than ever. I guess that I should thank my ex for this experience. I dug my heart out of the ground, glued it back together, and put a bulletproof vest on it. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I’m kicking your a$$.
I got back to being friends with my ex’s former friend that I declared a war on over nothing. She didn’t ask me to explain my actions. We are still good friends. She is a very nice person. Later, from my friends, I found out that she always thought highly of me and said a lot of good things about me. I was pretty much told that she [use your imagination here]. If I only knew that before starting a relationship with that pos. I guess it was not meant to be.
I learned few things:
- Bad feelings go away with time. Everything will be good.
- Don’t settle for who is “available”, look for who you want to be with.
- Don’t hide your feelings. It doesn’t even matter if some are not listening, what meters is you talking it out.
- I used to feel like an outcast. I was now sure that I am pretty good if not awesome. I saw who was my real friend. Despite my doubts, I was relatively popular 🤷🏼♂️.
- Heart is a muscle. The more stress (to a point) it goes through, the stronger it becomes.
- 50 cent’s song “Many Men” has lyrics that I can relate to.
I also should’ve learned to pay attention to red flags but it seems that I keep missing those.
PS: my apologies for grammar and spelling mistakes. I decided to just lay this out.