My soccer ⚽️ FAILS

I am just reminiscing about my soccer “career”.

1. In my first ever indoor soccer game, I somehow missed an open net (3.5 meters wide and 2 meters tall) from less than one meter away. My shot went over the net by at least a meter. 🤷🏼‍♂️
2. In that same game, I made an obvious dive and reached for the ball with my hands. The ball was rolling into my team’s net and goalie was out. My plan was to pretend that I  was tripped and fall infront of the ball. Ball was rolling a lot faster than I anticipated. Result: straight red card to me (I got kicked out of the game) and penalty shot for the other team. We lost that game 0-5. 
3. I played defence in the outdoor soccer. This was happening in my own teams penalty area. I didn’t want for the ball to hit my hand, so I put them behind my back. That was a bad idea. Can you think of why? The other team player “stepped” into the ball. It hit me where it hurts the most. All I remember after is everything going white and lots of people asking if I was okay. 😱
4. I tried playing goalie. My first attempt lasted about 2 minutes. I guess, my reflexes are not good enough to play there. Ball bounced of something or someone and hit me straight in the face. Blood went everywhere. The good thing is that my nose was ok after the game. My second try was in an actual game. Putting on first glove is super easy. Second … not so much. Ball hit my hand while I frantically was trying to put my second glove on. There was no blood, but my thumb was severely brused. It was blue 🔵 for almost a week. 
5. I had a swallen ancle (twice the normal size) from a previous game after some idiot with a sliding takle hit me on a side of my foot (he got a red card for that). I couldn’t walk without crouches. In our league, if team doesn’t have minimum # of players, the get $$$ fine. With that injury, I had to “play”. I was seating at midfield. I got lucky. It started raining a bit. Referee felt sorry for me and cancelled the game.

I loved playing soccer, but hated playing games on artificial grass because of “turf burns”. It feels like a shreader. If you are playing on a fake grass … don’t fall!

Life changing events

I am just voicing it out here …

Have you ever had a life changing event or experience? Let me know in the comments if you have. 

I had two. When I was 5 years old, my “father” walked out on me my brother (he was 2 then) and my mom. My mom raised me and my brother by herself with some help from my brother. It wasn’t fun. From that, I now see the world differently. My understanding of right and wrong changed dramatically. There is no f-ing way I will ever do anything to hurt anyone like that excuse of a human being. He is not my father. He is a piece of 💩.

I was a wimp. I was a small guy. I did not know how to stand up for myself. I got robbed at knifepoint several times. Once, some guy robbed me by simply saying that he had a knife. I am ashamed of who I was. I am REALLY ashamed that I couldn’t protect my little brother like big brother should. Things changed when I went to martial arts (Judo) school. It was a regular school with normal classes like chemistry, history, geography, and others, plus 10 hours of practice per week, and weekly tournaments. After 3 or so years in that school, I got stronger, more confident, and not afraid to deal with complicated people or situations. When person is confident, he or she has this different look and everyone can see it. 

I am today because of what happened to me. It’s my foundation so I still to work out all those “wrinkles”. 

Thanks for reading and have an awesome day!

June Goals – results

These were my goals for June:
1. Going to the gym … I had a good start, but spent some time in a hospital, so I am going to exclude this … N/A

2. Be more punctual … I improved here. Still, I need to work on this … 7/10

3. My laziness … I did better here, but I still acted lazy few times. What really helped me with this was “Just Do It NOW” attitude – if something needs to be done, do it now without delay. Just start doing it. The positive thing out of this is that I can keep this as one of my goals for July … 9/10

4. New skills … I did start several online courses. I even got a book. I got regularly scheduled “training sessions” … 9/10

5. Career … I’d say that it was a decent start, which really what I hoped for … 6/10

6. New daily planner … My first attempt in May failed. This was attempt #2. Although it didn’t fail, it was not what I hoped it would be … 4/10

7. Friends … This was good. I got in contact with my former best friend, who I did not speak with for couple years now (we now live in different parts of the world) … 9/10

Overall … 44/60 … I am too disappointed but I am not too overfilled with joy either. I can do better. That’s what July is for. 😁

Let me know what you think or if you have any tips or suggestions.

Thank you for reading and have a great day!

Silently Screaming

Crazy. Silly. Love.

Anxiety has tried to take control of my life again. I have tried really hard to hold back from losing it, from saying something I totally regret. When I am angry or mad, it’s not usually because I am actually angry or mad. It’s usually because that is how my anxiety comes across.

I yell, I scream, I nag. I become this person I absolutely hate. I complain, because I have no idea what else to do.

Some days I know what causes the anxiety. Some days I am made to feel like I am not good enough,  so it’s my greatest fear coming true. Some days I have more work than hours in the day and I feel like I let people down if I cannot complete it. Some days my two wonderful toddlers are in fact real humans and do things that drive me bonkers.  But there are…

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Real Neat Blog Award

First things first … I would like to say thank you to Abby [https://myintrovertedlife.org/] for nominating me for this award. Please go check out his blog! I find her posts very positive and inspiring.
Rules: 

1. Put the award logo in your blog.
2. Thank people who nominated you, linking them to your blog.
3. Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
4. Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking you to their blog.
5. Let them know you nominated them.

Answers to Questions Asked

1. What are 3 things you love about yourself: … Positive view of life, I am very competitive, and my ability to fake confidence when in reality I am shy/afraid/stressed out/nervous 
2. What are your hobbies? … Playing competitive sports and self improvement
3. What is your favorite thing to do to pass time? … Watch Youtube videos: There are many interesting videos – funny, educational, inspiring, and I enjoy music mixes
4. What is something you couldn’t live without? … My family. I owe everything to them and I will take a bullet for them if needed.
5. What’s something crazy you’ve done lately? Nothing lately. I’d say – starting this blog or trying the world of online dating.
6. Why do you love blogging? … It helps me to get my thoughts out and realize where my priorities are. Its like being yout own psychologist. It means a lot to me if I can inspire someone, make them laugh, or just make their day better. Plus there are many intersting blogs here.
7. What is your favorite way to exercise? … I prefer strength exercises and interval cardio on a treadmill.

Nominees are:

https://4minnowsandadog.wordpress.com

http://simpleula.com/

https://shatterthefourthwall.wordpress.com/

Questions for the Nominees: 

1. Why did you decide to write your blog?
2. What motivates you the most?
3. If you won $100 million, what is the first thing that you would do?
4. What’s your most favourite and least favourite food?
5. If you watch Netflix, what is the last thing that you watched there?
6. What do you think is your biggest strength?
7. If you could suggest 1 thing (anything) to everyone, what would it be?

My goals for June

First of all, this was inspired by [http://myintrovertedlife.org/2017/05/30/goals-for-june/]. Thank you Abby! It’s a great post. 
These are my goals for June:

1. going to the gym: my goal is to visit my gym 3 times a week. I will also try to eat healthier. Consistently visiting the gym as well as eating better (less sugar and less junk food does wonders).

2. Be more punctual: I have serious issues with tardiness – I am late so often, people now expect that from me. I need plan better. 

3. My laziness: This is my biggest problem. This is the reason why I did not reach my life goals yet. I need to distinguish legitimate reasons and cheap excuses.

4. New skills: Now that I have some time, I would like to learn more about a programming language. These days there are tutorials for pretty much everything on Youtube. My goal is to spend 10 hours each week. 

5. Career: *no details … sorry* My goal is to spend 5 – 10 hours a week.

6. New daily planner: My first attempt in May failed. I know why. This is attempt #2.

7. Friends: Reconnect with long lost friends. 
I realize that this is a mountain. I may not necessarily complete all, but I am expecting progress in each. 

I will follow up on this next month to report my results.

Let me know what you think or if you have any tips or suggestions.

Thank you for reading and have a great day!
PS: challenge completed

Tell me 3 positive things about your week

I recently got a new truck. It’s white and has a black stripe on the side, which is a part of a sport package. I thought (for some reason) that my truck was one of a kind, but since then, I started noticing a lot of similar trucks with that same black stripe.

Human brain has a limited capacity (or at least how we utilize it). It is looking for what you want it to find. I was looking for trucks and my brain was focused on trucks, dismissing everything else. 

Same goes about positive thinking. I can complain that my day was shitty – I got a speeding ticket (I didn’t) and watched my team lose. It sounds crappy because I neglected to mention that I was driving a “kick-ass” truck and was watching the game on my 100 inch 3D  ultra HD tv with my best friends (I don’t really have those). If we look for negative, we will find it. If we look for positive, we will find that too. 

SO HERE IS THE CHALLENGE: give me 3 positive thing that happened to you this week. Anything. Random. No matter how big or small.

Here are mine: 

1. I cleaned my garage (I wannted to do that for a while).
2. I am looking forward to this weekend … got poker tourney with few friends
3. I got a weekly planner to organize my time (inspired by larag81’s post: http://iwriteforcake.com/2017/05/01/happy-planning-the-perks-of-pretty-productivity/ )

First Date Disaster … well, that was awkward

I decided to write few blogs about my own random awkward things from my past, since I am having a great day.

I don’t go to too many first dates, so I am not used to the “game”. This was my first or second date from online dating. I am also shy. 

I was looking forward to meeting her. We talked online, getting to know each other. It was very interesting talking with her online. She was born in a different part of the country and cheered for her “home town” football team. She has a team jersey and she was a big fan all her life. 

Finally, we agreed to meet for a coffee date at some coffee/tea shop. She only had 2 pictures online, so I didn’t exactly knew what she looks like. I knew she had beautiful long dark hair. Lets say that her name is Kelly (its not). When I got there, I saw a woman with dark hair sitting alone at the table, waiting for someone. I walked over and asked her: “Are you Kelly?”. She said yes, smiled, and started to stand up. When she did, I realized that she was much taller than me. At that point my brain went into overdrive trying to make sense of it all: “I remember that her height on the site was 5’6 … did I read it wrong and it’s actually 6’5 or did she make a spelling mistake”.  I told my self that “it is what it is, lets have fun anyway”. While I was overthinking, it looked like she asked me a question. Since I did not hear that, I just said “Yes” (I don’t know why)

I bought coffee to go for both of us and we went outside for a walk. Something felt wrong. I decided to start a conversation by asking her about her favourite football team. Her reply simply shocked me to the point where I did not know what to say or do. She said “I don’t like football”. 🤔😳😱

At that moment I realized that I was literally on a date with a wrong person (so was she, but it was really my fault)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls – LISTENING IS IMPORTANT! Her question, which I did not hear, was “Are you Jeff?”, which I blindly answered “Yes”. (btw, Jeff is also a made up name)

I always act calm and collected especially in stressful situations (again I don’t know why or how). I don’t remember how many times I apologized (somewhere between 100 and 200) and explained what happened. Like an idiot, I handed my cup of coffee to her and ran back. There I saw the Kelly that I was supposed to meet. She was 5’6 or so. We repeated the process but decided to grab a table and stay inside. I noticed that there was a (tall) guy sitting at the table right next to us. Few seconds later I realized that HIS NAME WAS JEFF! Kelly that  I met earlier returned (with both coffees) and sat at the table right next to us. They were now drinking coffee that I paid for. 

I can laugh at myself and have no problems at pointing out my own mistakes. I told the story to the “real” Kelly. I also introduced myself to Jeff and explained everything. (I hope things went well for them). He said “Thank you for the coffee”. We all had a good laugh. Actually its was a great conversation starter and almost completely got rid of “nervous tension”, making both of us feel “at ease”. It turned out to be a great date. We spent 3 or 4 hours chatting … it was fun. We even went on few dates, but unfortunately things didn’t work out)

I don’t know what I was embarrassed more of … my awkwardness or the fact that I paid for their date. Either way, it turned into a great story. 

I learned few things from this:

1. online dating was more popular than I thought. you could meet great people there. in fact, (the other) Kelly and Jeff met on the same dating site as me and Kelly. 
2. first dates are almost always awkward, but it’s possible to find something positive out of that. Mistakes happen, but they could be blessings in disguise.
3. I though that my pride was gone. history. But it turned out to be the opposite. So, don’t stop always, trust yourself, and respect yourself and everyone around you … no matter what, no matter how bad things go.
4. (most importantly ) Always LISTEN and pay attention when you are on your first date or any date.

True story. I hope you enjoyed it.  Let me know what you think or if you can top my awkwardness.

Have a great day! 😀 

This and that. mostly that.

Well … let’s see if I can write this out. I want to say that I don’t care how it sounds, but I do. 

I’ve been sick on and off for almost a year. Some weird shit. Anxiety. lots . Then I had few “Alice in Wonderland” moments. That was scary first few times. I don’t know what was causing all that. I did not have any traumatic experience(s) in my past. Nothing that I can remember at least. I was told that all of the above were side effects of my medication (there is something wrong with my DNA. it is super rare, so nobody knows and there is no $ benfit to do any research). To me it sounded like “suck it up”. I don’t like doctors. I just know that I got to get my shit together and find a way out.

I am not allowed to return to work until I am 100%. This sucks.I am sitting at home. No major plans. My supervisors at work don’t look at all this positively. I have a feeling that I am going to get a severance package and “your services are no longer needed” speech when I actually get back. I understand … its all about business. companies need workers who do work, not somebody who occupies the space. Nothing personal. My goal is to get to that 100% healthy and start all this from scratch.

I try to stay physically healthy. I am ok there. Mentally … its another story.

I had a relationship recently. She is beautiful. she cares about others. She has few mental problems of her own. PTSD. She suffers from depressions and anxieties. She was diagnosed with DID (but I don’t think that it is correct). We went out for few months. We actually had a lot in common … I could understand what she is going through. We were open with eachother. We shared a lot of “private” things. I could trust her. shit, I told her about things about me that I was afraid to even think about myself. she went through A LOT in that short period of time. Huge ups and downs happening days from each other. (I respect her so I cannot talk about that). But she is strong and she got through it. At least I thought so …

It was all rainbows and puppy dogs. She did tell me that she has a social phobia and that she is not comfortable being in a crowd, especially strangers, therefore I should’ve seen this coming:

One beautiful day I received a text message from her … few lines … saying that she is not comfortable with a relationship, she is afraid of getting close, and that she is sorry.  I was shocked. I was not sure what was happening. I did not understand why. I was asking myself … what did I do wrong. I undestand having that many problems is difficult to handle. I told her that I respect her decision, I will give you all the space that you need. I said that I am afraid of relationships. (For me, relationships are like heights – I am not afraid of heights, I afraid of falling from them). I offered to back up a bit and slow down. I truly hoped to restore this. The thing that bothered me is that I did not hear back from her for the next four days. We were friends on facebook. She continued to create posts while I was sitting by my phone hoping to hear back from her. I did not want to make things worse for anyone, especially her, I walked away – unfriended on facebook, deleted all messages, and her phone number. I did miss her. I probably still do. After I “unfriend” her on facebook, she sent me a message saying that she is sorry. I did not get that until a month later (I am guessing because we were not connected anymore. plus we never communicated on facebook). When I saw that, I did a stupid thing – I decided to see how she feels about what happened: I sent her message via online site (where we met). That didn’t go well. I got a very cold answer from her. something like … I am sorry. I am not capable of relationships or being too close to people. or being friends. I don’t want to talk. I’m kinda busy, so unless you  have something important to say, I “have to go”. That answered my question. Honestly, that was something I needed to hear. I feel better.

I am still not cool. This is not helping my anxieties. I went to a different doctor who prescribed a DIFFERENT meds. I feel better both mentaly and physically. I wish I did that a lot earlier. I will be back to normal soon. Oilers are winning in playoffs. Things are looking up.

It was shitty when I was at my lowest. I don’t wish this on anyone. I want to help everyone. I got lots of support from people close to me. It helps me to get through it. also, writting all of this really helped. This is from me to me. Now that I am done, it’s like seeing all this from the outside. I think I know what is happening here. funny isn’t it. I never fought that writing a blog can do something like that.

“Sunny day wouldn’t be so special if it wasn’t for rain; joy wouldn’t feel that good if it wasn’t for pain”