First time I (really) got my heart broken

I read a blog here that reminded me about how much fun I had when faced with similar.

It was more like my heart was ran over by a garbage truck, which then reversed and ran it over again.

I was 18 or 19. It was my first year in university. I met an asian girl from one of my classes. I don’t remember what I saw in her. We went out for a while – 4 years or so. We had our ups and downs but everything seemed like it was working out. We lived together. We took same classes. We worked together. I don’t remember spending much time apart. We celebrated “monthly anniversaries”. We had nicknames for each other (Awww, cute. I know). It was my first serious relationship and I was “all-in” there. One time, she copied homework from one of her friends and got caught, which resulted in her friend getting in trouble with professor. From friends they became enemies. Naturally, any enemy of my girlfriend is my enemy (it doesn’t matter why) so I “declared a war” on her friend and her friend’s boyfriend. It was a cold war. I never sad anything mean or done anything. I simply said whose side I am on. (I’ll get back to this)

Her best friend:

When I first met my ex, she was with her “best friend”. He (RED FLAG) was weird. We were sort of friends but never got along. When we first met, he looked me in the eyes and called me “fagot”. I felt like breaking his face, but decided not to ruin a possible relationship with my ex. I still regret that. Me and my then gf drove 10 hours to meet her parents, for whatever reason taking her best friend with us (RED FLAG).

Christmas party:

My ex was hosting a party at her place with lots of my friends and lots of her friends. I had a flu and decided to skip that party. That’s when it happened: My friend called me from that party and told me that she is “sleeping with her best friend” and she did that during that party (RED FLAG). It was a shock for me. I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone. She told me that she made a mistake and we decided to move past that. It was my mistake to let it go.

Less than a week later, she started treating me like shit … Everything was my fault. I was supposed to do what she told me. She kept saying a lot of bad things about my friends (RED FLAGS). I didn’t do anything until she crossed the line: She said something very mean about my family. At that point I told her “We are done. Don’t look at me. Don’t speak to me. Done done”. She called me, she called my brother, my friends, and even my parents.

I was proud that I finally did what I should’ve done earlier, but after few days, reality kicked in. I was devastated. I missed school because I didn’t want to see her. Anger switched to guilt. I was replaying it all in my head trying to find what I did wrong. I considered calling her and trying to fix all of that. (I am thankful to my brother as he stopped me from doing that). I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. I was ashamed. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want to hear any more “Are you okay?” or “don’t worry, everything will be fine” from anyone, including myself. No, I was not okay. Don’t worry? Ha! Easier said than done. Most people say those things to feel better about themselves, thinking that they are helping out.

It’s a small world:

5 years later, I ran into her ex best friend and now boyfriend (or husband) at the mall. Timing was great. I was going home from work. We have a strict dress policy (plus I always dress to impress). And yeah, I did drive a brand new Mercedes C class, which was upgraded to “gangsta” level. It was a “look at me now” moment. It was a “win” yet I still felt sour. Some time after that, I found out from my co-worker, who was a good friend with my ex (it’s a small world), that my ex now has kids and they live in the industrial part of the city, in some horrible neighbourhood, equivalent of a poor trailer park. That would’ve been me if I didn’t walk away.

Aftermath:

With time feelings faded away. It was a while. My mistake was not talking about it and keeping feelings inside. My life changed for better, much better. I was no longer chained to her, her friends, or whatever she was into. I was free to do what I was into. I started taking care of myself. I got my confidence back. It was sky high when I realized that I was over her. It took a while and it wasn’t easy. Knowing that I’ve been through that and came out alive made me feel better than ever. I guess that I should thank my ex for this experience. I dug my heart out of the ground, glued it back together, and put a bulletproof vest on it. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I’m kicking your a$$.

The kicker:

I got back to being friends with my ex’s former friend that I declared a war on over nothing. She didn’t ask me to explain my actions. We are still good friends. She is a very nice person. Later, from my friends, I found out that she always thought highly of me and said a lot of good things about me. I was pretty much told that she [use your imagination here]. If I only knew that before starting a relationship with that pos. I guess it was not meant to be.

I learned few things:

1. Bad feelings go away with time. Everything will be good.
2. Don’t settle for who is “available”, look for who you want to be with.
3. Don’t hide your feelings. It doesn’t even matter if some are not listening, what meters is you talking it out.
4. I used to feel like an outcast. I was now sure that I am pretty good if not awesome. I saw who was my real friend. Despite my doubts, I was relatively popular 🤷🏼‍♂️.
5. Heart is a muscle. The more stress (to a point) it goes through, the stronger it becomes.
6. 50 cent’s song “Many Men” has lyrics that I can relate to.

I also should’ve learned to pay attention to red flags but it seems that I keep missing those.

PS: my apologies for grammar and spelling mistakes. I decided to just lay this out.

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My soccer ⚽️ FAILS

I am just reminiscing about my soccer “career”.

1. In my first ever indoor soccer game, I somehow missed an open net (3.5 meters wide and 2 meters tall) from less than one meter away. My shot went over the net by at least a meter. 🤷🏼‍♂️
2. In that same game, I made an obvious dive and reached for the ball with my hands. The ball was rolling into my team’s net and goalie was out. My plan was to pretend that I  was tripped and fall infront of the ball. Ball was rolling a lot faster than I anticipated. Result: straight red card to me (I got kicked out of the game) and penalty shot for the other team. We lost that game 0-5. 
3. I played defence in the outdoor soccer. This was happening in my own teams penalty area. I didn’t want for the ball to hit my hand, so I put them behind my back. That was a bad idea. Can you think of why? The other team player “stepped” into the ball. It hit me where it hurts the most. All I remember after is everything going white and lots of people asking if I was okay. 😱
4. I tried playing goalie. My first attempt lasted about 2 minutes. I guess, my reflexes are not good enough to play there. Ball bounced of something or someone and hit me straight in the face. Blood went everywhere. The good thing is that my nose was ok after the game. My second try was in an actual game. Putting on first glove is super easy. Second … not so much. Ball hit my hand while I frantically was trying to put my second glove on. There was no blood, but my thumb was severely brused. It was blue 🔵 for almost a week. 
5. I had a swallen ancle (twice the normal size) from a previous game after some idiot with a sliding takle hit me on a side of my foot (he got a red card for that). I couldn’t walk without crouches. In our league, if team doesn’t have minimum # of players, the get $$$ fine. With that injury, I had to “play”. I was seating at midfield. I got lucky. It started raining a bit. Referee felt sorry for me and cancelled the game.

I loved playing soccer, but hated playing games on artificial grass because of “turf burns”. It feels like a shreader. If you are playing on a fake grass … don’t fall!

Life changing events

I am just voicing it out here …

Have you ever had a life changing event or experience? Let me know in the comments if you have. 

I had two. When I was 5 years old, my “father” walked out on me my brother (he was 2 then) and my mom. My mom raised me and my brother by herself with some help from my brother. It wasn’t fun. From that, I now see the world differently. My understanding of right and wrong changed dramatically. There is no f-ing way I will ever do anything to hurt anyone like that excuse of a human being. He is not my father. He is a piece of 💩.

I was a wimp. I was a small guy. I did not know how to stand up for myself. I got robbed at knifepoint several times. Once, some guy robbed me by simply saying that he had a knife. I am ashamed of who I was. I am REALLY ashamed that I couldn’t protect my little brother like big brother should. Things changed when I went to martial arts (Judo) school. It was a regular school with normal classes like chemistry, history, geography, and others, plus 10 hours of practice per week, and weekly tournaments. After 3 or so years in that school, I got stronger, more confident, and not afraid to deal with complicated people or situations. When person is confident, he or she has this different look and everyone can see it. 

I am today because of what happened to me. It’s my foundation so I still to work out all those “wrinkles”. 

Thanks for reading and have an awesome day!

June Goals – results

These were my goals for June:
1. Going to the gym … I had a good start, but spent some time in a hospital, so I am going to exclude this … N/A

2. Be more punctual … I improved here. Still, I need to work on this … 7/10

3. My laziness … I did better here, but I still acted lazy few times. What really helped me with this was “Just Do It NOW” attitude – if something needs to be done, do it now without delay. Just start doing it. The positive thing out of this is that I can keep this as one of my goals for July … 9/10

4. New skills … I did start several online courses. I even got a book. I got regularly scheduled “training sessions” … 9/10

5. Career … I’d say that it was a decent start, which really what I hoped for … 6/10

6. New daily planner … My first attempt in May failed. This was attempt #2. Although it didn’t fail, it was not what I hoped it would be … 4/10

7. Friends … This was good. I got in contact with my former best friend, who I did not speak with for couple years now (we now live in different parts of the world) … 9/10

Overall … 44/60 … I am too disappointed but I am not too overfilled with joy either. I can do better. That’s what July is for. 😁

Let me know what you think or if you have any tips or suggestions.

Thank you for reading and have a great day!

Silently Screaming

Crazy. Silly. Love.

Anxiety has tried to take control of my life again. I have tried really hard to hold back from losing it, from saying something I totally regret. When I am angry or mad, it’s not usually because I am actually angry or mad. It’s usually because that is how my anxiety comes across.

I yell, I scream, I nag. I become this person I absolutely hate. I complain, because I have no idea what else to do.

Some days I know what causes the anxiety. Some days I am made to feel like I am not good enough,  so it’s my greatest fear coming true. Some days I have more work than hours in the day and I feel like I let people down if I cannot complete it. Some days my two wonderful toddlers are in fact real humans and do things that drive me bonkers.  But there are…

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Real Neat Blog Award

First things first … I would like to say thank you to Abby [https://myintrovertedlife.org/] for nominating me for this award. Please go check out his blog! I find her posts very positive and inspiring.
Rules: 

1. Put the award logo in your blog.
2. Thank people who nominated you, linking them to your blog.
3. Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
4. Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking you to their blog.
5. Let them know you nominated them.

Answers to Questions Asked

1. What are 3 things you love about yourself: … Positive view of life, I am very competitive, and my ability to fake confidence when in reality I am shy/afraid/stressed out/nervous 
2. What are your hobbies? … Playing competitive sports and self improvement
3. What is your favorite thing to do to pass time? … Watch Youtube videos: There are many interesting videos – funny, educational, inspiring, and I enjoy music mixes
4. What is something you couldn’t live without? … My family. I owe everything to them and I will take a bullet for them if needed.
5. What’s something crazy you’ve done lately? Nothing lately. I’d say – starting this blog or trying the world of online dating.
6. Why do you love blogging? … It helps me to get my thoughts out and realize where my priorities are. Its like being yout own psychologist. It means a lot to me if I can inspire someone, make them laugh, or just make their day better. Plus there are many intersting blogs here.
7. What is your favorite way to exercise? … I prefer strength exercises and interval cardio on a treadmill.

Nominees are:

https://4minnowsandadog.wordpress.com

http://simpleula.com/

https://shatterthefourthwall.wordpress.com/

Questions for the Nominees: 

1. Why did you decide to write your blog?
2. What motivates you the most?
3. If you won $100 million, what is the first thing that you would do?
4. What’s your most favourite and least favourite food?
5. If you watch Netflix, what is the last thing that you watched there?
6. What do you think is your biggest strength?
7. If you could suggest 1 thing (anything) to everyone, what would it be?

My goals for June

First of all, this was inspired by [http://myintrovertedlife.org/2017/05/30/goals-for-june/]. Thank you Abby! It’s a great post. 
These are my goals for June:

1. going to the gym: my goal is to visit my gym 3 times a week. I will also try to eat healthier. Consistently visiting the gym as well as eating better (less sugar and less junk food does wonders).

2. Be more punctual: I have serious issues with tardiness – I am late so often, people now expect that from me. I need plan better. 

3. My laziness: This is my biggest problem. This is the reason why I did not reach my life goals yet. I need to distinguish legitimate reasons and cheap excuses.

4. New skills: Now that I have some time, I would like to learn more about a programming language. These days there are tutorials for pretty much everything on Youtube. My goal is to spend 10 hours each week. 

5. Career: *no details … sorry* My goal is to spend 5 – 10 hours a week.

6. New daily planner: My first attempt in May failed. I know why. This is attempt #2.

7. Friends: Reconnect with long lost friends. 
I realize that this is a mountain. I may not necessarily complete all, but I am expecting progress in each. 

I will follow up on this next month to report my results.

Let me know what you think or if you have any tips or suggestions.

Thank you for reading and have a great day!
PS: challenge completed

Tell me 3 positive things about your week

I recently got a new truck. It’s white and has a black stripe on the side, which is a part of a sport package. I thought (for some reason) that my truck was one of a kind, but since then, I started noticing a lot of similar trucks with that same black stripe.

Human brain has a limited capacity (or at least how we utilize it). It is looking for what you want it to find. I was looking for trucks and my brain was focused on trucks, dismissing everything else. 

Same goes about positive thinking. I can complain that my day was shitty – I got a speeding ticket (I didn’t) and watched my team lose. It sounds crappy because I neglected to mention that I was driving a “kick-ass” truck and was watching the game on my 100 inch 3D  ultra HD tv with my best friends (I don’t really have those). If we look for negative, we will find it. If we look for positive, we will find that too. 

SO HERE IS THE CHALLENGE: give me 3 positive thing that happened to you this week. Anything. Random. No matter how big or small.

Here are mine: 

1. I cleaned my garage (I wannted to do that for a while).
2. I am looking forward to this weekend … got poker tourney with few friends
3. I got a weekly planner to organize my time (inspired by larag81’s post: http://iwriteforcake.com/2017/05/01/happy-planning-the-perks-of-pretty-productivity/ )

First Date Disaster … well, that was awkward

I decided to write few blogs about my own random awkward things from my past, since I am having a great day.

I don’t go to too many first dates, so I am not used to the “game”. This was my first or second date from online dating. I am also shy. 

I was looking forward to meeting her. We talked online, getting to know each other. It was very interesting talking with her online. She was born in a different part of the country and cheered for her “home town” football team. She has a team jersey and she was a big fan all her life. 

Finally, we agreed to meet for a coffee date at some coffee/tea shop. She only had 2 pictures online, so I didn’t exactly knew what she looks like. I knew she had beautiful long dark hair. Lets say that her name is Kelly (its not). When I got there, I saw a woman with dark hair sitting alone at the table, waiting for someone. I walked over and asked her: “Are you Kelly?”. She said yes, smiled, and started to stand up. When she did, I realized that she was much taller than me. At that point my brain went into overdrive trying to make sense of it all: “I remember that her height on the site was 5’6 … did I read it wrong and it’s actually 6’5 or did she make a spelling mistake”.  I told my self that “it is what it is, lets have fun anyway”. While I was overthinking, it looked like she asked me a question. Since I did not hear that, I just said “Yes” (I don’t know why)

I bought coffee to go for both of us and we went outside for a walk. Something felt wrong. I decided to start a conversation by asking her about her favourite football team. Her reply simply shocked me to the point where I did not know what to say or do. She said “I don’t like football”. 🤔😳😱

At that moment I realized that I was literally on a date with a wrong person (so was she, but it was really my fault)

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls – LISTENING IS IMPORTANT! Her question, which I did not hear, was “Are you Jeff?”, which I blindly answered “Yes”. (btw, Jeff is also a made up name)

I always act calm and collected especially in stressful situations (again I don’t know why or how). I don’t remember how many times I apologized (somewhere between 100 and 200) and explained what happened. Like an idiot, I handed my cup of coffee to her and ran back. There I saw the Kelly that I was supposed to meet. She was 5’6 or so. We repeated the process but decided to grab a table and stay inside. I noticed that there was a (tall) guy sitting at the table right next to us. Few seconds later I realized that HIS NAME WAS JEFF! Kelly that  I met earlier returned (with both coffees) and sat at the table right next to us. They were now drinking coffee that I paid for. 

I can laugh at myself and have no problems at pointing out my own mistakes. I told the story to the “real” Kelly. I also introduced myself to Jeff and explained everything. (I hope things went well for them). He said “Thank you for the coffee”. We all had a good laugh. Actually its was a great conversation starter and almost completely got rid of “nervous tension”, making both of us feel “at ease”. It turned out to be a great date. We spent 3 or 4 hours chatting … it was fun. We even went on few dates, but unfortunately things didn’t work out)

I don’t know what I was embarrassed more of … my awkwardness or the fact that I paid for their date. Either way, it turned into a great story. 

I learned few things from this:

1. online dating was more popular than I thought. you could meet great people there. in fact, (the other) Kelly and Jeff met on the same dating site as me and Kelly. 
2. first dates are almost always awkward, but it’s possible to find something positive out of that. Mistakes happen, but they could be blessings in disguise.
3. I though that my pride was gone. history. But it turned out to be the opposite. So, don’t stop always, trust yourself, and respect yourself and everyone around you … no matter what, no matter how bad things go.
4. (most importantly ) Always LISTEN and pay attention when you are on your first date or any date.

True story. I hope you enjoyed it.  Let me know what you think or if you can top my awkwardness.

Have a great day! 😀