This and that. mostly that.

Well … let’s see if I can write this out. I want to say that I don’t care how it sounds, but I do. 

I’ve been sick on and off for almost a year. Some weird shit. Anxiety. lots . Then I had few “Alice in Wonderland” moments. That was scary first few times. I don’t know what was causing all that. I did not have any traumatic experience(s) in my past. Nothing that I can remember at least. I was told that all of the above were side effects of my medication (there is something wrong with my DNA. it is super rare, so nobody knows and there is no $ benfit to do any research). To me it sounded like “suck it up”. I don’t like doctors. I just know that I got to get my shit together and find a way out.

I am not allowed to return to work until I am 100%. This sucks.I am sitting at home. No major plans. My supervisors at work don’t look at all this positively. I have a feeling that I am going to get a severance package and “your services are no longer needed” speech when I actually get back. I understand … its all about business. companies need workers who do work, not somebody who occupies the space. Nothing personal. My goal is to get to that 100% healthy and start all this from scratch.

I try to stay physically healthy. I am ok there. Mentally … its another story.

I had a relationship recently. She is beautiful. she cares about others. She has few mental problems of her own. PTSD. She suffers from depressions and anxieties. She was diagnosed with DID (but I don’t think that it is correct). We went out for few months. We actually had a lot in common … I could understand what she is going through. We were open with eachother. We shared a lot of “private” things. I could trust her. shit, I told her about things about me that I was afraid to even think about myself. she went through A LOT in that short period of time. Huge ups and downs happening days from each other. (I respect her so I cannot talk about that). But she is strong and she got through it. At least I thought so …

It was all rainbows and puppy dogs. She did tell me that she has a social phobia and that she is not comfortable being in a crowd, especially strangers, therefore I should’ve seen this coming:

One beautiful day I received a text message from her … few lines … saying that she is not comfortable with a relationship, she is afraid of getting close, and that she is sorry.  I was shocked. I was not sure what was happening. I did not understand why. I was asking myself … what did I do wrong. I undestand having that many problems is difficult to handle. I told her that I respect her decision, I will give you all the space that you need. I said that I am afraid of relationships. (For me, relationships are like heights – I am not afraid of heights, I afraid of falling from them). I offered to back up a bit and slow down. I truly hoped to restore this. The thing that bothered me is that I did not hear back from her for the next four days. We were friends on facebook. She continued to create posts while I was sitting by my phone hoping to hear back from her. I did not want to make things worse for anyone, especially her, I walked away – unfriended on facebook, deleted all messages, and her phone number. I did miss her. I probably still do. After I “unfriend” her on facebook, she sent me a message saying that she is sorry. I did not get that until a month later (I am guessing because we were not connected anymore. plus we never communicated on facebook). When I saw that, I did a stupid thing – I decided to see how she feels about what happened: I sent her message via online site (where we met). That didn’t go well. I got a very cold answer from her. something like … I am sorry. I am not capable of relationships or being too close to people. or being friends. I don’t want to talk. I’m kinda busy, so unless you  have something important to say, I “have to go”. That answered my question. Honestly, that was something I needed to hear. I feel better.

I am still not cool. This is not helping my anxieties. I went to a different doctor who prescribed a DIFFERENT meds. I feel better both mentaly and physically. I wish I did that a lot earlier. I will be back to normal soon. Oilers are winning in playoffs. Things are looking up.

It was shitty when I was at my lowest. I don’t wish this on anyone. I want to help everyone. I got lots of support from people close to me. It helps me to get through it. also, writting all of this really helped. This is from me to me. Now that I am done, it’s like seeing all this from the outside. I think I know what is happening here. funny isn’t it. I never fought that writing a blog can do something like that.

“Sunny day wouldn’t be so special if it wasn’t for rain; joy wouldn’t feel that good if it wasn’t for pain”

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